I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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