They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
