he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
