i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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