Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
