I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
