What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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