I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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