So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
