I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
