FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
