Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
