Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
