Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
