if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
