It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
