If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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