I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
