I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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