I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
