I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She bit a glass in half.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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