Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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