So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
