I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
