i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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