2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
