Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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