Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
