I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
