Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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