You can't motorboat a personality
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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