ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
