carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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