It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
