why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
