I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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