those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
