I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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