So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
