I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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