You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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