The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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