well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
