My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
