My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
