I got chris browned last night
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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