I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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