New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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