There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
