I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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