If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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