You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
