I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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