why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
